It has been a long time since I posted to this journal and a lot has changed for me since my last post.  Obviously it was very negative and those who know me the best know that this is the nature of my life and I often have these swings and bouts of depression.  Currently I am alright and I am in the midst of a crossroads in my life.  I found out just the other night that my Gastric Bypass surgery has been approved and is set for July 8th. 

I've been working on this surgery for almost a year now.  It's almost ironic that it is scheduled 1 year to the day I left Echostar.  That was the end of one bad phase of my life and hopefully, this will be the end of the ultimate bad phase of my life. 

One bit of good news is that I was formally offered a position at LSI.  I had been working there through a staffing agency but now they want me permanently complete with benefits and such.  After the confidence-shaker that was SterlingHouse, this is a big boost for me to know that I'm doing well at this job.

I haven't posted on LiveJournal for years.  So long that I have forgotten my old login name so I've created a new one.  I feel like I needed to start anew today.  Today is Valentine's Day, the worst day of the year for me because I'm always alone.  Today seemed to be worse than the last few.  Most of my friends either have girlfriends or a good portion of them are even engaged.  Their romantic clamor only makes my lonely silence that much more stark. 

One who knows me might counter my words because there is someone who likes me in my trivia group.  We even went on a date and had a great time.  Unfortunately, I did not feel anything beyond the friendship we already share.  This only solidifies my belief that I am not destined to know love. 

My faith in God has recently returned to me.  However, that's not to say that I necessarily believe he cares for me.  In the back of my mind, I believe he takes great pleasure in my suffering.  A small sliver of hope remains for me because I believe that he is finally answering my prayer from some 12 years ago.  I will be having the Gastric Bypass surgery in Late March/Early April and if that will be the agent of my prayer, then either the results from the surgery will be a tool which will help me gain happiness, or I will die during the procedure.  On days like today, I sometimes hope for the latter. 

Love to me is a combination of affection and respect.  You cannot have one without the other and truly call it love.  My current state of depression is due to the fact that I got a healthy reminder today that on top of my lack of romantic love, my parents lack any semblance of respect for me.  My father displays it by blatantly refusing to ever have a serious conversation with me.  Typically, he just makes jokes or mocks my position with puns.  My mother's lack of respect is much more direct, belittling me to anyone with an open ear, to the point where she even said "he's not a man" regarding me to my aunt while I was in the car.  This is standard behavior which has kept me on the edge of manic-depression for as long as I can recall. 

I hope that tomorrow will bring me a much better mood.  I will be seeing my fraternity brothers who routinely make me proud.  One of them, who attends the Air Force Academy, is coming home for the weekend to visit.  I'm looking forward to seeing him because he represents the ideal I had in mind for the fraternity and which the men there in the undergrad chapter exemplify daily; Respect, Intelligence, Chivalry, Honor. 

Currently I am sitting in my bedroom in mostly silence, interrupted only by my father's attempts to communicate with me.  My responses have been terse because I know in my heart that he doesn't care about my response, he is only trying to ascertain my mood through my response.  Perhaps, if I'm lucky, I'll aspirate in my sleep.  I have sleep apnea after all...